And so it is. Another blog begins. This time I have a great working knowledge of WordPress, a list in my head of things to do right from the beginning, and great plugins at the ready. But despite the familiarity of the platform, the subject matter feels uncomfortably new. Instead of presenting others’ artistry, it’s my own being evaluated. And it feels all kinds of vulnerable.
Let’s back up…
For 5+ years I wrote a wedding blog called A Colorado Courtship. I started the blog to document my own wedding preparation and to apply to be a writer on a larger wedding blog. I failed at the latter but it was a blessing in disguise. In time the blog became less about me and more of a resource for Colorado couples as they planned their big day. Real weddings, styled shoots, craft projects, and advice – all with an exclusively local focus. My blog was everything I wanted in other blogs when I was a bride. ACC became a recognizable feature of the local wedding scene. During my tenure as a blogger, I learned so many things about weddings and about wedding photography as I poured over album after album. But even better, I developed friendships in the wedding industry that I hope to carry with me forever.
For years I have used my camera as catharsis but had little success from a technical standpoint with automatic settings. Seeing the amazing work submitted through my blog made me long to control what my camera was doing. To better the images on my own posts and take worthy vacation photos, I began to study photography intensely about a year and a half ago. It was during this learning process that I found something that was missing in me. My existing frustrations with my blog and its time commitments felt heightened by every failed attempt at scheduling time with my camera. Finally my husband suggested a 6 month break from the blog. A REAL break this time (not doing things for the site in the background). I agreed that taking a break was a good idea and put my posts on hold for a good old fashioned mental health vacation. It’s possible that my husband knows me better than I do myself. He said that 6 months was enough time to either miss the blog and come back swinging or move on slowly. I think he knew that when I finally had the time to really delve into photography, it would ease the sadness I had for “giving up” on my blog and replace it with excitement for the future. And that it did! I have spent every single day shooting, editing, and/or learning about photography. It consumes my mind (in a great way). The first few weeks of blog withdrawal quickly gave way to a new addiction that consumes my heart and my time.
But I was still in limbo – not wanting to admit I was letting go of one thing or that I was pursuing another until I felt very confident in my skills. Behind the scenes has been tons of growth and business planning. To everyone watching from outside it has been radio silence. Perhaps it’s my immersion in my new path that has made it hard to go back and tie up loose ends on ACC. Too little time for even one post to say goodbye. But more likely it’s this nagging feeling like I’m giving up on my baby and letting down vendors, friends, and couples. It’s the fear of making it official and watching hundreds of posts disappear into the ether. Poof! I know in my heart that there is a time for everything and the sun is setting on my wedding blog. I’m graduating on to the next stage of my growth as a person and that means retiring other things. But there’s something so stinking absolute in letting my accounts go. I’m an emotional pack-rat and want to keep everything! Alas, it’s time to purge.
I often read a book to my son about a little boy who lost his name. The boy goes out into the world missing his identity. Before he heads down the path to find himself, you read the line, “Did he dare explore?” My son always interrupts to say, “He does! He does dare explore!” His enthusiasm for the brave little boy always makes me smile. I want him to know that his mama totally dared to explore for the sake of finding myself. Unfortunately I have stumbled in this process. I have waffled and found reasons to delay this leap into professionalism for months now. How will my wedding vendor friends view this shift? Will I be letting people down from ACC? Can I stand the sight of my own headshots and the realization that I neither feel nor look like I did when I started blogging? Am I ready to dive in and BE the thing I have envied for years – the thing I’ve practiced so hard to be? I am certainly ready to try!
And someday we’ll just tell my kids I was unequivocally brave. 😉
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